I’m gonna be real honest right now. I’m struggling. I don’t even really know what I plan to write… I just need to. Writing is how I work through things. It’s how I think best. I have a journal, and a prayer journal, but I felt the need to write here instead.
I feel like a big storm cloud that is brewing but it’s not the right time to let it all loose yet. This season of life has me confused, and I don’t like to feel confused. I like to have a plan, at least a simple one. It doesn’t have to be detailed by any means… It just has to help to get me to the end goal. However, right now, I don’t even know what the end goal is. The whole semester of school, I was doing really good. I definitely had some things to work through, but I was extremely motivated and eager to grow. Things changed about two weeks before the semester ended and it felt like everything went downhill from there. It’s an exaggeration, but I felt like the world was crumbling around me and I was just reaching out to grab on to something, but only getting air. I feel like I am drowning. I know that God will bring me through, and I know that He has a plan, but it’s been a rough few weeks.
Over the semester, I had three of my closest friends lose very close family members. This is the most experience I’ve ever had with death before and I don’t handle death well. Not only that, but I don’t know how to deal with grieving people either. I’ve never dealt with a close death before, so I can’t relate to them, which I fear makes me come across as careless. I’m not, I care more than they probably know, I just don’t know how to respond. I also have learned that people grieve differently, so they need different things at different times, and what may have been comforting to one person is offensive to another. I also have this problem, where I feel like I need to fix things, but you can’t fix death, and honestly, you can’t even fix a person who is mourning. It’s so hard for me to step back and realize that all I can really do is be there to listen and to pray.
I’ve had to deal with people moving away, and with relationships changing; two things I don’t handle well at all. My brother is getting married, so we’re adding a new sister into the family. This is a good thing, and I fully support them, but our family dynamics are changing, so that’s another thing to get used to and learn. There’s just a lot of change going on at once.
One of the biggest things that I’ve been dealing with is the realization that things aren’t always the way they seem. I had a conversation a few months ago with my best friend about how sometimes you think that someone sees you one way, but they actually see you a totally different way. I recently dealt with this in a bigger way than I would’ve wanted. It was really hard, but it also slapped me in the face and kicked my butt into gear to change some things. Some things were said that really hurt me, and caused a lot of doubt in my mind about who I am. Satan took hold and used it to make me feel condemned and unloved. It put strain on a relationship because I felt lied to. A relationship that I thought was good, turned out to have some underlying issues that were not being addressed. It made me realize just how important communication is. It also reminded me that I may think that I’m doing alright in a relationship, but they may not see that the same way. Things cannot begin to change if they go unnoticed. I had some issues to address in myself and the way I handled things within the relationship and had caused more hurt than I had even realized. My intention is not to make the other person look bad, but to point out that I let words cause wounds and I let those wounds fester because I was bitter. It’s much easier to get an infection in an open wound than one that has been flushed out and had time to heal. Because I left the wound open, Satan infected it and healing is taking longer than it should have if I had dealt with it properly.
I feel like I am going through this all because there are some things I need to deal with and lessons I need to learn. I feel stuck, but not in the typical way. I just feel restless because I know that something big is going to happen soon, but I have to get through this hard stuff first. I’m between a rock and a hard place, but I’m also between the Rock and a hard place. One of my roommates for the summer, Tauri, has a saying, “It’s when you hit rock bottom that you realize that Jesus IS the Rock at the bottom.” Sometimes I feel like I’m going backwards, but another friend made a good point when I said that to her once. She said, “The good thing about going backwards is you know you have somewhere to go forward.”
This post is a bit different from my others. It’s less of an encouraging post and more like a journal entry. I don’t know why I felt like I needed to write here, but maybe somebody will get something out of my ramblings. God’s not finished yet.